I was in a panic today earlier at work. I had a couple of Zoom meetings coming up and I needed some water to have nearby. (Those of you who talk as much as I do for a living know what I’m saying.) So I went to the fridge and grabbed a can of sparkling water, but there was a problem. I could not find my Jaws-themed can koozie. And sipping from a can unprotected by the 1975 summer blockbuster movie-themed insulator was simply unthinkable.
I can’t even remember where I got it, which makes it not only cool and rad but also somewhat mysterious. Plus–and this is true–it is made out of wetsuit material. I do not have a wetsuit to verify this, but if I did it would be made of Jaws-themed can koozies, making it not only awesome but also pretty gangster. A wetsuit with Jaws on it? I mean come on.
Where was the darned thing? It wasn’t on my desk or on the kitchen counter. Perhaps I’d left it lying around and some kind but misguided soul thought to put it somewhere safe where it would never be found again? I opened a couple of drawers and did not find it, disproving that theory.
My meetings quickly approaching, I punted and poured the can of water into a metal insulated travel mug which was almost totally useless as a replacement for my beloved shark-emblazoned neoprene cylinder. It would keep the water cold for the duration of my meetings, sure. But would it do so with the wry panache of Roy Scheider slowly filling an entire water goblet with red wine? No, it would not.
Having concluded my meetings, I went back to my search. But I was beginning to suspect that I would never find it. Probably I had absently tossed it, can and all, into the recycle bin and out it went. Like Bruce with three barrels on him: vanished. It was without doubt the most tragic event of my entire afternoon. Simply heartbreaking. Not Marry-Ellen Moffat heartbreaking, you understand, but still pretty serious.
Then I found it! I found it in the unlikeliest of places: exactly where I’d put it earlier that morning, AKA the freezer. There it was. Wrapped around a half empty bottle of Diet Coke that I for some reason thought maybe I could turn into a slushy if I remembered to take it out at just the right time. Not only did I not remember to do that, I completely forgot I had put it there in the first place. You may wonder why the bottle of Diet Coke did not explode like a carelessly handled can of compressed air. The reason is because I had the foresight to squeeze some of the air out of the bottle before I screwed the lid back on. Yes, I thought to do this but I did not stop to ask myself why my movie memorabilia had to go in with it. I mean, wouldn’t it just stop the soda from getting cold?
No matter! I had recovered my can koozie. I got nude Chrissy Watkins back, I got the big red “JAWS” title back, I got the enormous shark barreling upward from the depths back–I got the whole damned thing back. And so, I drink a toast with my unnaturally-long-chilled can of sparkling water: to our legs!